Boyfriend with baggage
So, I’ve been dating my boyfriend for about eight months. Right from the start, he was very honest and open about the fact that he was recently separated, and going through a divorce. Several months after we started dating, I had the pleasure of meeting his two daughters. I’ve been lucky enough to become super close with them, and they are AWESOME kids. I’ve also had the distinct pleasure of not meeting his soon-to-be ex. I told my boyfriend (after I met his kids), that while I knew she was a little crazy (no, I’m not your typical new girlfriend, this girl is legit crazy), I would be happy to meet her. I can respect the fact that she has a right to know someone her kids are spending so much time with. The boyfriend vetoed, saying that it was too soon, and he didn’t trust what she would do. Time went by, and crazy things started happening. She came to the house to get some things she left, and stole my things from the bathroom! I mean, who’s crazy enough to steal a travel sized
deodorant?! But, I decided to rise above the situation and not confront her about it. A few months later, she came to our home, and demanded to meet me. Not asked, demanded. The boyfriend said no, due to the fact that she is insane, and he watched her key my poor, defenseless car on the way out. Long story short, we called the cops, and now the ex has a court date. We’ve tried long and hard to keep all of these things from the kids. They have enough going on with the divorce, and just don’t need to be dragged into the middle. His ex, however, does not seem to share the same opinion. Not only does she talk shit about us on a regular basis, she is also entirely incapable of keeping her emotions to herself, so the girls hear eeevvvvverything. That being said, I got a text from the older daughter tonight, asking me why I wouldn’t drop the court case against her mother. Now, I know the woman is emotional and upset, but I DO have a right to be mad about this, right? SO FRUSTRATING!
Filed under: boyfriends, Family | 6 Comments
Tags: boyfriend, crazy, divorce, exwife, kids
Louise – I wish that this was all “romantic” and “exciting”, but that’s not the case. I’m not sure how that would even work. It is exhausting and stressful, if anything. Lucky for me, the boyfriend does know who he is and what he wants, which is what makes us a strong enough couple to deal with this.
How horrible to go through that! My heart goes out to you. Luckily my boyfriend’s ex isn’t that bad!
Been there done that was very helpful. I do think that the keying incident needs a consequence for the perp aka Mom. Your BF is lucky to have found you but men and women need a break between relationships to figure out who they are before they become part of a new couple. The drama mama ex is making your relationship with him all exciting and desparate & so romantic, but maybe not real life? Take it slow, please!
The court case is for the keying of my car, a matter that we tried to settle out of court. I’m not a heartless person, I’m not looking for her to have a record or anything like that, but I can’t continue to let her disrespect me. She hasn’t ever offered to pay for the damages, even though we have given her the opportunity. In fact, she totally denies having done anything! To be honest with you, I don’t want to wait and find out what crazy move comes next! I looked into getting a restraining order, but since I have never had a “relationship” with her, I can’t. My boyfriend can, but it would only protect him, and not me. I’m a very calm person, and I’m dealing with this the best way I can. Not once have either of us ever said a bad word about her in front of her children, and we never, ever will. It’s super hard to stay calm about things when we know what she is saying about us in front of the girls – and we know for sure that this is happening. We hear it from friends, family, and neighbors. Messy, messy situation!
I’m refraining from voting on this one, as I really didn’t see the option I’d agree with. I think you have a reason to be legitimately upset, but you have better reasons (a meaningful relationship also involving innocent children) to do your best to act like an adult when this other woman clearly isn’t.
I have been in a similar situation, and here’s my advice, take it or leave it: Do whatever you need to do to keep your own emotions under control. Go to more yoga (try yoga nidra), deep breaths, get into counseling with your boyfriend to learn how to support eachother in this situation, or go to a legal mediation session with the ex before court maybe, but calm down. Because the second you let her under your skin, the moment you get so angry that you bad mouth her in front of the kids or yell at her in court, THAT is the moment that she’s won. She is out of control and operating out of fear, and she wants to sink you down to her level. So don’t let it work.
I’m not suggesting you don’t take her ass to court, she has no excuse to act the way she is, even if there was a side to the story you didn’t know… I was a stepmom in a similar situation for about 8 years, during which time the ex actually went to jail for her actions. We got legal custody of the children, and it was a bad situation for the mom. But I kept myself in check around the kids, & we tried to be positive about thier mom. Years later when I was pregnant with my own child, the ex realized that our children were siblings and made a bigger effort to be part of the family. I think that she also realized that there was nothing she could do to change the way things were, so we gave her a chance to accept things the way they were.
Keep in mind that you only have one side of the story. Also, as much as you love your bf and want to protect him, this is his battle (except for the court case about the car–fight that), & he needs to be responsible enough to take care of the situation like a man. Don’t get so involved you need to fight it for him-seriously, this advice right here could save you a lot of pain. Try to remain impartial. And stay away from the ex, you don’t owe her anything.
Clarification point: are you taking her to court just for the keying? Or is it for a restraining order? Did she offer to pay outside of court?